I, Godzilla, would like to talk to you about typecasting

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Don’t I recognise that dude from somewhere?” That scaly guy with the lizard lips? No, I’m not Steve Buscemi. I played the titular role in the 1954 movie Godzilla. You might also have seen me this year in Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. 

Excerpts from Napoleon’s St Helena Food Diary

Day 1 - 15th October 1815

The boat finally reached its destination this morning; henceforth I find myself deposited on the island of St Helena like a bad smell. So many miles away from France, from civilization, from my dear Josephine! 

Zingers I have uttered upon saving the world

Good evening. The name’s Beans, John Beans. Spy. Patriot. Raconteur. Lover. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. For thirty years I’ve confronted evil all around the world. Terrorists, arms dealers, drug traffickers - all in a day’s work. I’ve traveled to nearly every country on this planet, drunk every cocktail, even made love in two different positions. In short, I’ve done it all. 

A Personal Journey with Martin Scorsese Through Early Noughties YouTube

This piece was published on Slackjaw.

I hate to be the one to say it, but Gotham City has changed

This piece was published in Points in Case.

TrustPilot reviews for Ghislaine Maxwell’s services from patrons too self-important to remain anonymous

"Ms Maxwell is well-accustomed to catering for very important clients, be they billionaires, philanthropists, geniuses, or all three! She prizes discretion and professionalism, yet is always extremely personable. She’ll always be standing on the runway as I step out of my jet, congratulating me on wiping out Polio or whatever wacky disease I may or may not have eradicated  - using 138 billion dollars I may or may not possess.”
-Mr X

An opening at the Wonka factory

Are you a team player? Looking for a fresh challenge? Do you love chocolate as much as we do?

All the species Darwin discovered in the Galapagos Islands, and how they tasted

This piece ran on Points in Case.

Neil Degrasse Tyson Ruins "The Night Before Christmas"

This piece ran on Points in Case.

FAQs from the Hogwarts Prospectus

This piece was published on Slackjaw.

History’s great orators segue awkwardly into plugs for SquareSpace

 

This piece ran on Points in Case.

Sassy tweets from the East India Company corporate account

Hey besties, just established a monopoly of trade in the East Indies. AMA

Adjustments I have been asked to make

This piece appeared on Little Old Lady Comedy.

Network notes for the upcoming Frasier reboot

This article will run on Points In Case in early 2022.

The five stages of owning that massive Philip Roth biography

Earlier this year, Blake Bailey’s long-awaited biography of Philip Roth hit the shelves with an underwhelming clunk, amidst a series of appalling allegations against the biographer. And some of us are still getting over it. And by us, you know exactly who I mean. At a tote bag-straining 880 pages, it was to be our Deathly Hallows. Instead, it was about as toxic a book as J.K. Rowling might release now. Since I became too uncomfortable to read it in our present cultural moment, I've been on quite a journey:

From the desk of the Godfather

This piece appeared on TwoFiftyOne.

An enchanted evening

Living abroad can be an alienating experience, not least during a pandemic. As I have discovered since moving from London to rural Germany, making new friends is one of the biggest challenges. Tempting as it might have been to wallow in my isolation, I resolved to get out there and connect with some similarly minded people my own age. After spotting a curious flyer pasted on my local children’s hospital, I knew just where I would find my people: my local Quidditch team. 

Real Folks of Hessen #246

I may not be the best contract killer out there, but I am certainly the cheapest. And yet, almost nobody ever books me to do their killing. At this point I’ve tried everything, from “Order a hit, get one free”, to a trial period of free slayings, but people always take advantage and never end up paying for my services. 

Moon lighting

People ask me all the time: What’s it like to stand just to the side of history, one step away from greatness? Well, it’s a thrill! I’ve been working as an ass double for six years now, mostly unpaid and sometimes unknowingly, and my caboose has been utilised as a looky-likey for some of the most famous tushies in Showbusiness, from Ethan Hawke to Mary Beard. I even filled in for Eddie Redmayne’s backside when he came down with a severe case of seat rash while filming The Theory of Everything.

A man I knew has died

Norman Crankshaw, who died aged 86 after a lifelong battle with what we suspect might have been Tourette’s, was in many ways a remarkable man, and in other, more accurate ways an unsuccessful one. He was also my great-uncle, and since his passing I have been unable to find the words, or the time, to articulate just what he meant to me.