I may not be the best contract killer out there, but I am certainly the cheapest. And yet, almost nobody ever books me to do their killing. At this point I’ve tried everything, from “Order a hit, get one free”, to a trial period of free slayings, but people always take advantage and never end up paying for my services.
Throughout my career I’ve had to do a lot of killing on spec, and whilst I’m proud to have put a lot of bodies in the ground, it’s hardly put a lot of bread on the table for my wives and their children from previous marriages. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time I have committed a murder for free, I could probably afford to retire from contract killing and do it purely for pleasure. And eat in a restaurant. That’ll be the day.
That said, I’m happy with my lot. My career still includes a few highlights. Remember the year 2000, when the rapper 50 Cent was famously shot 9 times? Well, 5 of those were me (2 were business, 3 pleasure). In many ways I’m the Florence Foster Jenkins of assassins - if I wasn’t doing it for a living, I’d probably still be doing it for the joy.
That said, I’m happy with my lot. My career still includes a few highlights. Remember the year 2000, when the rapper 50 Cent was famously shot 9 times? Well, 5 of those were me (2 were business, 3 pleasure). In many ways I’m the Florence Foster Jenkins of assassins - if I wasn’t doing it for a living, I’d probably still be doing it for the joy.
I always hoped to follow in my father’s footsteps. He was a keen amateur killer. Killed cashiers mostly, gas station attendants - the usual. Growing up, I prayed I would go one better and one day, I might get paid to do what I love. As luck would have it, I’ve since been privileged to kill all around the world.
The lockdown has been hard for me and my family. As an angel of death, working from home is much more difficult than in other lines of work. I had to resort to using slingshots and drone strikes to take out my targets, and whilst effective, it's much harder to cover my tracks. It's even got me into legal trouble.
On days when I feel like giving up, I remember what Robert Maxwell told me, the day he gave me my first paying gig: “Do a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life”. That always helps. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I will kill again.