Neil Degrasse Tyson Ruins "The Night Before Christmas"

This piece ran on Points in Case.

FAQs from the Hogwarts Prospectus

This piece was published on Slackjaw.

History’s great orators segue awkwardly into plugs for SquareSpace

 

This piece ran on Points in Case.

Sassy tweets from the East India Company corporate account

Hey besties, just established a monopoly of trade in the East Indies. AMA

Adjustments I have been asked to make

This piece appeared on Little Old Lady Comedy.

Network notes for the upcoming Frasier reboot

This article will run on Points In Case in early 2022.

The five stages of owning that massive Philip Roth biography

Earlier this year, Blake Bailey’s long-awaited biography of Philip Roth hit the shelves with an underwhelming clunk, amidst a series of appalling allegations against the biographer. And some of us are still getting over it. And by us, you know exactly who I mean. At a tote bag-straining 880 pages, it was to be our Deathly Hallows. Instead, it was about as toxic a book as J.K. Rowling might release now. Since I became too uncomfortable to read it in our present cultural moment, I've been on quite a journey:

From the desk of the Godfather

This piece appeared on TwoFiftyOne.

An enchanted evening

Living abroad can be an alienating experience, not least during a pandemic. As I have discovered since moving from London to rural Germany, making new friends is one of the biggest challenges. Tempting as it might have been to wallow in my isolation, I resolved to get out there and connect with some similarly minded people my own age. After spotting a curious flyer pasted on my local children’s hospital, I knew just where I would find my people: my local Quidditch team. 

Real Folks of Hessen #246

I may not be the best contract killer out there, but I am certainly the cheapest. And yet, almost nobody ever books me to do their killing. At this point I’ve tried everything, from “Order a hit, get one free”, to a trial period of free slayings, but people always take advantage and never end up paying for my services. 

Moon lighting

People ask me all the time: What’s it like to stand just to the side of history, one step away from greatness? Well, it’s a thrill! I’ve been working as an ass double for six years now, mostly unpaid and sometimes unknowingly, and my caboose has been utilised as a looky-likey for some of the most famous tushies in Showbusiness, from Ethan Hawke to Mary Beard. I even filled in for Eddie Redmayne’s backside when he came down with a severe case of seat rash while filming The Theory of Everything.

A man I knew has died

Norman Crankshaw, who died aged 86 after a lifelong battle with what we suspect might have been Tourette’s, was in many ways a remarkable man, and in other, more accurate ways an unsuccessful one. He was also my great-uncle, and since his passing I have been unable to find the words, or the time, to articulate just what he meant to me.

A tremendous opportunity

Upon starting this blog, I had hoped that it would help me to form good habits of writing regularly, and then perhaps in time it might lead to opportunities to write for more than just a hobby. I was duly shocked when, after just two posts, I was contacted directly by none other than Anna Wintour, the iconic editor of Vogue Magazine. And this time, she didn't just want to borrow money. Anna's invitation was almost unimaginable for a young writer: I was to fly business-class to Los Angeles and meet one-on-one with the venerable Queen of Hollywood, Meryl Streep. 

Expectations and first impressions

“Everybody has a plan, until you get punched in the face!” said Sharon Osborne once, quoting Mike Tyson. Never has this quote-of-a-quote felt more apt than now, after my first two weeks living in Germany have confounded almost every precursory expectation my anxious brain could conjure.

A cute introductory post

Hello to the four or five friends I’ve sent my new blog address to, the man who finds my laptop at Victoria Bus Station (no reward), future employers vetting me, the NSA agent checking this out after my ‘How to make a (totally) bomb cobb salad’ post raised an alarm, and no-one else.